Don Quixote…. only without the hyperbole and windmills… and a lot more cheap wine

So I was at the Dallas Aquarium this week when I had a little downtime, and there were some screaming little bastards running around squealing their ears off. I had little patience for it as I had a massive headache from all the crap the day before. I’m not just being an ass. I like kids, but these little shit-fucks made my ears ring. Considering that I go to a lot of live rock shows, this was quite a feat. As I saw the screaming kids lean over the rail by the crocodile pit (which is strangely not very high or stable looking), I came to a harsh realization of the laws of nature. Here are some of the observations made:

1. My initial inclination when a shitty loudmouthed spoiled yuppie kid is bending over the rail of the crocodile pit, is to reenact the ending of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
2. If the same kid was looking down at the stingrays, he would have had something in common with Steve Irwin.
3. If the kid was less noisy, I wouldn’t be thinking like Patrick Bateman.
   
4. Quiet, respectful kids are more likely to reach adolescence.
5. Kids with favorable phenotypes (living quietly in fear of angry adults) are more likely to survive and reproduce than those with less favorable phenotypes (those who make Veruca Salt seem like a librarian).

Safe Kid = Boring Book

From the TV’s Flight of the Conchords:

Brett: What’s Water Polo?

Jermaine: It’s Polo in the water

Brett: Do they use Seahorses?

Jermaine: No

At my friend Chuck’s B-day party:

Me: As terrified as we are of bears, imagine how terrifying a bear is to a fish. It would be like a giant hairy raptor claw coming out of the sky and picking you up.

Some guy: (insert quizzical silence here)

Me: Although I think I’d be more scared of a bear than a raptor.

Some guy: Why is that? What if the raptor is fucking smart like the ones from Jurassic Park?

Me: Bears are smarter than Raptors.

Some guy: How so?

Me: Bears can be trained to ride tricycles. As soon as they learn how to ride ATV’s we are all fucked.

Some guy: What is it that you say you do again?

Also at Chuck’s B-day party:

Chuck: Have you seen Survivor Man on the Discovery Channel?

Me: No, what’s it like?

Chuck: This guy goes to exotic locations, as his own film crew, and survives for a week without any prior supplies. Last one I saw he was in the desert. It’s an awesome show I think.

Me: You know which episode of that I would want to see?

Chuck: Nope

Me: The cold harsh void of outer space.

Chuck: That episode would end with a corpse cartwheeling through nothingness.

Me: Here’s some Tang and 4 days worth of Oxygen motherfucker….

Chuck: They wouldn’t let him take any Tang. That would be breaking the rules.

Last week I was in vacation mode. I stayed home, but a wonderful stress was lifted from me. I realized that I do in fact despise a good number of coworkers as they make more work for me. I spent most of the week hanging out in bookstores/coffee shops, playing around with my new effects pedals (bought a couple ElectroHarmonix goodies), and catching up with friends. It was wonderful. My guitar has wonderfully spacey sweeps and echo sounds now. I even got a little business taken care of. I went ahead and got pre-approved for a home loan, and am starting to house shop. House-shopping makes me feel old. Going back to work makes me want to take Krav Maga classes. I hear they teach you how to kick people in the balls really hard.

Current guitar mood: content with recent acquisitions
current pedal board: DanElectro Daddy-O ->ElectroHmx Pulsar Tremelo -> Ibanez DE7 Echo -> ElectroHmx Holy Grail Reverb